Isn’t Friendship a Funny Thing?

 A connection formed from something shared: school, hobby, workplace etc. Yet it is based on assumptions and personal perspective.  You assume that your friend sees the friendship in the same way but often they don’t.  We are, after all, a product of our past and past experiences. Even if that is very similar your character, family and other variables skew how you see and feel the same situations.   It’s taken me years, and a couple of painful endings  to understand what friendship actually means to me

Twice Betrayed

Twice I have been, as I saw it, betrayed by best friends.  No, they didn't kiss the boy I fancied or sleep with my husband.  It was worse.  They flung me aside and severed all ties from one day to the next, just because I was no longer useful/didn't fit their image.  Remember that this is my perception of  events (at the time, I now see it differently).

The first was Carol (not her real name).  We'd been friends since Primary School from the age of around 7.  We were both farmers daughters and preferred being out in a field knee deep in mud rather than being pretty and doing ballet or playing with dolls.  We spent lots of time at each others houses and this continued into secondary school and early teenage years.

I've always been someone who prefers deep connections with a few people, rather than being comfortable in groups and having a big band of mates.  Nothing has changed on this part to this day.

One day Carol stopped talking to me and wasn’t interested in hanging out in the playground any more.  I was distraught and supremely lonely.  She was revelling in being the centre of attention and expanding her circle. They were all pretty.  I was plain.  I didn't belong.  Losing Carol left a hole I didn’t yet know how to fill; and into that space stepped Ellen

An Empty Hole Filled

I made friends with Ellen.  She was clever and knew exactly what she wanted to be.  I liked her confidence, I kind of hoped it would rub off on me.  I felt terribly unsure of myself.  Lots of ideas and opinions but not always happy with being in the limelight as I shared them.  We became a duo. My Mum used to joke that she had an extra daughter as Ellen and I were either together or on the phone to each other.  Our friendship lasted through GCSE's,  A levels, degrees and into working life.  No longer as close but both of us would still have said we were best friends until The Day.

My husband was allergic to cats.  I was intolerant to their fur too.  We were heading to Ellen's for the weekend as a preplanned visit. This was our first time at this house of hers.   After a chat and a cuppa she talked about where we would sleep.  “Your mattress is propped up in the spare room but the cats sleep in there a lot and might have weed on it a bit”!!!  All kinds of ick.  Yep, sure enough they had “decorated” the mattress.  How could a good friend have so little regard for their “best friend”?  We ended up sleeping in her horsebox…It wasn’t the cats so much, it was the sudden realisation that our comfort, health and dignity hadn’t even crossed her mind.    And that was the end of another friendship.

There is a phrase that some friends show up in your life for a reason, some for a season and some for a very long time. This makes a lot of sense to me now.  Over the years many friends have come into my life, and gone again.  Often with most peculiar reasons, if there was one.

Connection is a Human Need

Us humans crave connection and to feel heard and that we belong. Friendships are part of that.

We may feel that friendships should protect and support us, they will only do so if we are connected with the right energy and intention.  If the other person is more about take than give or you are overly giving the balance is all wrong and someone is going to get hurt - probably you.  Mis matches also seem to often occur when friendships try to cross the introvert/extrovert border.  Us introverts want strong, deep connections with meaningful conversations on subjects that matter.  Extroverts are often more about the group vibe, there seems to be less space for an individual opinion, a group vibe exists and the group is preserved over depth of relationships between individuals.  Accepting that friendships come and go is the beginning of realigning yourself to what is right for you.  Rather than clinging on to the vestiges of what you hoped a friendship would become, let it fade.  It may resurrect itself but it may not.  Try to let go of your old hopes and let things flow.  You may feel let down or angry but that is a momentary thing.  Your job is to do you, there is no accounting for others.

Are You A Good Friend To Yourself?

Are you a true friend to yourself?  Can you be honest with what you need and be proactive in the changes that come your way.  Often we react to others when we should perhaps put our own house in order first.  Things we notice in others are often a mirror of what we feel and sense about ourselves.  If you feel that values are not being kept in a friendship, check and see if you are dishonouring your own values.  Is it time to take a next step into your relationship with self and the nature around you?  Hiding our self doubt or dislike for a part of ourself by befriending people or doing activities which don’t serve us is a form of running away.  Take a moment to consider what you need.  Right now, today, this week and further ahead.  Make a loose plan of what you would like more of and what is best reduced. 

Honour yourself first and better friendships will turn up.  Keep an eye out for people you connect with.  It isn’t always immediately obvious, especially not when you evaluate people via your logical mind alone.  This is very true for me and my partner of 11 years.  I almost missed out by using my logical mind and losing touch.  Luckily my intuition kicked in and plans were made to test out my intuition.  The 11 years tell it all.  Friendship and romance lurks in funny places but first we must know like and trust ourselves.

Before you rush on, you might pause and ask yourself:

Where in my life am I holding on to something that no longer fits — and what would it feel like to choose myself instead?

If you’re at a point where you’d like support reconnecting with yourself — your values, your intuition, your sense of belonging — I work 1:1 with thoughtful, analytical people who feel a quiet sense of disconnection.

You can explore working together with me, or simply let this question accompany you for a while.